A Coaching Skill for All Leaders: Maintaining Presence
My younger sister died peacefully in her sleep last week—yet completely unexpectedly of an apparent heart attack. We celebrated her life last Saturday in the little church where I grew up. In the tradition of our family, Anne’s two daughters (ages 31 and 24 years) were the primary speakers at her funeral. With their witness to her life, each of them reminded and helped me put words to a particular quality of my sister’s which I keep striving to emulate as a leader and a coach.
Anne had the gift of full presence which was more than simply being a good listener. One daughter said, “When we talked, she was there. She was SO there.” Her sister shared, “My mother listened. And before she spoke, she paused and thought.”
In his book The Wolf Shall Lie Down with the Lamb, Dr. Eric Law proposes respectful communication guidelines for groups and teams including confidentiality, empathetic listening, tolerance for ambiguity, sensitivity to cultural differences and taking responsibility for what we say and feel. Another guideline he suggests, which my sister embodied, is to “ponder what you hear and feel before you speak.” How might family and work conversations be different if we all listened carefully and also then paused to ponder what we heard before we replied?
About 20 years ago, I made several retreats to Pendle Hill, a Quaker conference center in Pennsylvania. There I experienced classes and meetings where people listened deeply and paused before speaking—a delightful and sometimes disconcerting practice for those of us accustomed to thinking about what we will say next while another is still talking. The invitation to ponder what I’ve heard before speaking does not come naturally for me, and yet I am called—as leader and coach—to practice it.
In coach training, we teach the skill of maintaining presence which is defined as being “fully conscious and present with the client, employing a style that is open, flexible, grounded, and confident.” Other aspects of this skill include demonstrating curiosity, managing our own emotions, being comfortable in a space of not knowing, and allowing space for silence, pause or reflection. This is not just a skill for professional coaches but for all of us who lead in organizations, groups, and families.
Stephen Covey challenges: “Listen with the intent to understand not the intent to reply.” My sister wasn’t just a good listener. She had the gift of presence and the habit of pondering what she’d heard before she spoke. She was completely with you, she was there…she was SO there! She was not a professional coach, but she was a leader who showed up fully for her family, friends, and colleagues.
When I delivered funeral sermons on a regular basis, I often extended this invitation in closing, “Each time we face the death of someone we love, we can choose how we will live. When we tell the stories and celebrate the lives of those no longer walking this earth, we have the chance to choose anew how we will walk. Choosing with intention a practice of our loved one nurtures the part of them that lives on in us.”
The death of a person like Anne—who pondered what she heard before she spoke—is an invitation for me to listen more deeply with full presence. This holiday season—when you remember and grieve a loved one who is no longer physically present—call to mind a quality that loved one embodied. And resolve to honor their life and death by consciously cultivating that quality in your leadership and life. As for me, I will practice the pause.